Hump Day

I am writing this blog entry as a way for me to stay awake and focused. I am literally falling asleep at my desk. I just finished my 2nd cup of coffee and I still have not felt any effects. This is how bad I fall asleep. I am down to my last sip or so of coffee, and I'm reading some article on the web. I feel myself nodding away and wake myself up in time to catch me from not spilling my coffee onto my shirt. This has got to stop. I need to find something to do at work. I spent my lunch outside on the patio which was good because it gave me the chance to get some fresh air. Surprisingly it was cool yet bearable outside. I enjoyed that. I take my lunch usually around 1 or 2 pm so that when I get back to work I only have an hour or so of work left since I get off at 4pm. Today was a hard day since I was or have been falling asleep this whole day. It sucks. But hopefully it won't happen again tomorrow. The weather outside feels good. The clouds are out so it is not too sunny but not to cold either. I have finally wrote down some goals that I want to accomplish in the following months and I wrote to myself a pledge that I intend to keep. Most of the pledge is to stop my frivolous spending and to focus more on saving money. I need to save money not just for me but for my girlie as well. If I plan on marrying this girl, I have to give her parents a dowry. But upon looking this word up, I think the correct term is bride price. This is where I give her parents money for the blessing of marrying her. I don't really know what the purpose is but I will look it up. On top of this, I have to save money for our trip to Hawaii to see my best friend get married. I can't and won't miss that.

My girl has told me about this tradition of the dowry/bride price and I would just shrug it off as something that I will cross when I get there. But more and more each day it is becoming relevant. If I want to marry her I will have to produce the money. This kind of scares me since I do not really make that much so when I start saving up for this it will take a long time. Plus, I am not sure about who pays for what during the wedding, but I am sure I may have to pay for that also. Honestly I just want to go to Vegas and get married if I had the chance. Why do I have to jump over this hurdle to be with the one I truly love and care about. I think I am just afraid of not being able to spend money on myself as I have done for the past 7+ years or so. Ever since I started working after college, it has been all about me. Of course I wish I could go back and do a lot of things over. But I can not. I am 31 years old and I have nothing to show for it. Maybe I have multiple phones, some laptops, some ipods, and a list of other items but I do not have anything for the future. When the thought of the future comes to my head I think about the next big think I want to get. Not for anyone else but for me. That is my problem. I have been so kind and caring towards other people in my past that I think I just forgot how to do that. I would call myself a romantic guy but at the present I haven't really done anything romantic. I used all this up when I was in my twenties. I have to find away to get this back. She deserves better than what I can offer to her at the moment. All I can do is refocus my energy on my goals.

Wish me luck cause I sure could use it!